Oh yeah, I've been there, in fact I AM there. I have officially now been in both positions, I have broken up with someone and someone has broken up with me.
When I first began this little series, I knew I wanted to talk about this but I didn't really know how to go about it, I am currently going through a break up right now so I can finally blog about this. It did take me a while to put my thoughts together but I think I'm ready to talk about it now, so here we go :)
First things first, I want to talk about heart break, but I want to make it very clear that there are a trillion and one things that can break your heart, I only want to focus on heartbreak in the romantic sense right now. I'm going to say why break ups suck and how you can deal with them a little better.
Man, break ups SUCK!! Like they really suck! You go from constantly talking to this person and hanging out with this person to just....a friendly hello, or a look every once in a while, or just....nothing. I think personally the hardest part for me is that if that person is your best friend, then you're losing a best friend, that sucks.
Break ups, separations, divorces, they are all difficult, especially if you're a woman. Psychologically, women are more prone to take the blame for a screw up in the relationship so when these things happen, we tend to over analyze and say "what did I do wrong?", we start thinking of all the things we could have done differently to save things, to fix it, we start to ponder about the "what ifs", we take the blame 100% of the time without realizing that a relationship takes TWO people. No matter what gender you are, you begin to remember all the words that were said once, all the promises that are now broken, all the dreams that are now lost. You begin to associate that person with places and memories, for example: you're at a restaurant with your friends and you start to remember that one time when you and your significant other went there together and all the fun you had and all of a sudden now you're down and you just want to go home. You start to miss that person like CRAZY! And the moment when it really hits you that they don't miss you...well, that's when the tears come. These are just a few reasons why break ups suck.
Being in a relationship is difficult and it is very risky, you are always at risk of heartbreak, no matter how well or how long you've known that person. You are putting yourself in a position of vulnerability. That's a reality that everyone should always remember, not because it will make things any easier, because trust me, it doesn't, but keeping that in mind will help you be a little more careful about the people that you date. The way I see it, you should always ask yourself this: if this person woke up tomorrow and broke my heart and forgot all about me, would I regret this relationship?
See, I just got my heart broken, and it was not cool, it hurt, A LOT, but one thing that I have learned from my mother is that a lot of suffering in life comes from the consequences of our actions. Another thing I learned from a wise woman at my church is that in life, it is always about the choices we make. I made the choice to go through with this relationship, I made the choice to trust this boy with my heart, for whatever reason I made the choice to get close to him and I can honestly say I do not regret a single moment of it, I don't regret a single second of that relationship because the person that I was with made me extremely happy at some point. Heart break can either strengthen you or destroy you, in this case, the way I see it, if the relationship was worth it, then it will strengthen you, you'll be able to look back and smile and learn from the experience and thank God for the blessing that it was. If the relationship was not worth it, then you'll be destroyed because you won't have anything from that to bring you joy.
Yes, that person made me EXTREMELY happy, and yes, that person is making me very sad right now, he has changed with me in a matter of weeks and that can be confusing, frustrating, annoying but above all, painful. I like to apply a simple concept to all of my relationships with people and I think it should be applied during break ups as well: people change, memories don't. I don't know who this guy will turn out to be in the future or who he is changing to be now but I know who he was and how he was during the relationship. He was kind, caring, sweet, funny, he was my best friend, my partner in faith, he was wonderful, I could go on and on about how incredible he is. I can only thank God for what we had and how he treated me, I was a queen in his eyes, and rather than sit here and feel sorry for myself because I no longer have that, I'd rather very much thank God and praise God because I had the privilege of having that!
Whatever you do, DO NOT pity yourself. Try to be logical and rational. If you want to deal with things better then distract yourself, get some alone time, after being in a relationship for a while you need some solitude to figure out who you are and especially who is the kind of man or woman that you want to be with someday. Go out, have fun, be social, stay active. If it hurts you too much to look at old pictures, letters, messages, etc., then don't do it, save it for when you're ready, save it for when you can look at it and smile about it. No matter how much of a jerk that person is to you, if that person is someone who once made you happy, value them, just because your opinion about them has changed it doesn't mean that their value has changed also. Do not beg, seriously, let that person go, give them time, have patience, God is taking this and teaching me about patience, about letting go and letting God do everything in His time and not my time. God is working, I know it, I just have to wait on Him. But I'll warn you, it might take years, so be ready for that. If you think that this is the ultimate end between you and that person, then make sure that there are no words left unsaid and that they don't move on and start calling you "my crazy ex", but if you're like me, if you still have hope, then just be you, don't try to be a "better you", don't try to change yourself, be yourself. I'm not saying you can't make improvements, you can and you should, that's what wisdom is all about, but at the core, be whoever you want to be, whoever you think you are, let them slowly notice that you're improving, don't shove it down their throats.
Last but not least, trust God. It is so hard to be at peace when you can't see the bigger picture, all you can see is the tears falling and all you can feel is your heart broken, but God has a plan. I know this is God's timing, with how recent the break up is and how much I adore the person I was with I should be laying on my couch eating 5 tubs of strawberry ice cream every day, watching my favorite chick flick and crying my eyes out, but I'm not. The only reason why I'm not is because I can tell that this is God, this is from God, I prayed about this and this is His timing. Yes it hurts, but yes, my God has given me SO much joy! I remain hopeful, hope is always alive, it is never lost or gone. Until God gives me an ultimate no, this remains as a "not yet sweetie, wait on me". I thank Him everyday for my past relationship, I thank Him for his timing and even for the pain, I am learning a lot of important life lessons. God is teaching me about what it means to be Himself, what it means to be like Christ and especially, what and who I am. It is thanks to this pain and disappointment that I am learning to listen to that still small voice, I am recognizing how the Holy Spirit talks to me.
Christian or not, life gets a lot easier when you change the focus from how people treat you to how you treat people, apply that when it comes to your ex. Hurting someone just for the sake of getting back at them because they once hurt you will only leave you worse off than you were before. Forgive and forget, everyday you live is a gift, don't waste on useless grudges. Always remember that sorrow can be God's greatest ally, it can be that one thing that draws your attention to Him, mending broken hearts is one of God's favorites hobbies.
There is a time and a place for everyone and everything in your life, some people will cross your path and be a lesson, some will remain a mystery and some...well, some are waiting for you to discover their meaning :)
God bless
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