We are NEVER EVER EVER getting back together

Yes the rumors are true, I had a fling with depression a few years ago, and it was real, it was solid, we were going steady but I realized something, depression was a selfish jerk! So I said to it "depression you're a selfish jerk, and guess what? I met someone else. He's Jewish, he has 3 nails inside of him and he is everything I deserve in life! I'm happy now, depression, without you. It's over!! (If you didn't get that reference then you need to rethink your life choices.)

But enough with the funny stuff, see I'm trying to be funny and be happy because.....because I'm scared. I'm at a weird point in my life, I'm moving on to college (which means I have to worry about paying for college) and I'm in a real relationship with someone and all of a sudden I'm responsible for a ministry and there's just a lot going on. And I'm scared. I'm scared because I know me, I'm strange and when hard things come my way, it's almost as if I didn't allow myself to suffer. I know hard things are going to come my way, I can feel it, but I'm scared of masking it all again, of not letting myself...break I guess, or at least bend, because that's how I will end up in depression again. Slowly but surely my smile will start to fade only because I won't let myself show the world that I can be vulnerable.

But it's surely making its way into my heart already, I've been feeling so...worthless. The main reason for that is that I feel too dumb, I feel like God is talking but I'm not listening, I feel like a failure in many aspects of my life right now, I just keep making mistakes in my relationship with friends, family and my boyfriend, and the sin that entangles me (at the moment jealousy) is once again creeping in and it's difficult to fight it back. I keep comparing myself to others, especially to other girls around me, saying things like "she's better than me, she's a better christian, she's beautiful, she's so virtous" etc, etc. I'm worn. I'm tired. I feel so...pathetic. And I'm scared because I'm a natural born quitter. I know that this is how I fell last time this happened...

BUT

I like wars, I like battles. And I know that right now I'm fighting a spiritual battle. Right now the devil is throwing all kinds of things at me so I will be discouraged. If I fall into depression now, I won't want to help people, I'll be whiny and worry only about myself, I'll forget fighting my sin, screw it, what's the point anyways right? You see I know I'm weak, I know I can easily fall into that, lets face it, there's a lot of "love yourself" work that I still need to do. But I also know my identity, I know who goes before me, I know my God, my Christ is strong. So now that depression is requesting to get back together I must say, we are NEVER EVER EVER getting back together. Like...EVER. I have a God who loves me.

Right now I'm being fooled, I'm choosing to listen to all of the devil's lies about me. The reality is that I'm not worthless, I'm not stupid or less of a Christian for not being able to listen to God, he says to seek Him and I will find Him, He doesn't say when or how I will find Him, his command is to seek Him. I will keep seeking.

My mistakes do not define me, I'm struggling with that A LOT. Whatever I am, God is still molding me, He's still working in me, I'm not perfect and I will never be and I can guarantee that I will make mistakes, heck I might even make the same mistakes over and over and over again, I know myself, I know how appetizing sin can be, but I know that I love God and despise my sin, I will keep going, I may fall and stumble with the same rock over and over again but with God's help I will get back up again, because my God does not measure his love for me by the number of times I fall or rise, I am not limited by any of that. And it is so comforting to know that I am loved and accepted by a perfect and loving God and that I don't have to be seduced by the claws of depression.

I'm unique, I don't have to compare myself with anyone. You know how when you go to the store, you have two of the same products but one is maybe a little pricier than the other so you start to compare prices and wonder about the quality of each one. Yeah? Well human beings don't work like that. I keep forgetting that. I keep comparing my quality to that of other girls, why? I was not made to be compared, I'm only going to be the best or worst version of me there will ever be, I'm exclusive, special edition! There will never be another me, there may be millions like me, but not another me!

Right now I'm frustrated, not with life, but with myself. There's no message of hope there, just a reality, but let me say this, something I've been trying to learn lately.

Beating yourself up for your mistakes is going to leave you bruised, broken and stuck. If you want to feel human, then make a mistake, they are a part of us, a part of you. They come with lessons. Yes, I've been messing up more than usual lately, so what now? It's time to pick up the pieces, I've learned from my boyfriend that you live and you learn. 

Mistakes that don't come with lessons are not mistakes, but just like in school it is your choice to pick up on the lesson or not. Wisdom is a choice and depression is a selfish ally.